so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
