Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
