I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
