just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
