I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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