I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
