Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
