i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
