i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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