I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
