u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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