Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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