Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
