dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
