BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
