I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
