Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
