2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
a search helicopter?!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
