Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
