what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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