Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
