This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
