I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
