You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
