i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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