Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
