I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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