You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
