I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
