I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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