Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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