Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
