after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
