I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
