Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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