In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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