this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
