I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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