I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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