I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Can Purell be used as lube?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
