I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
