Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
