I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
