pedialite and red bull = repair kit
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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