I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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