my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The uberlube is also flammable
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
