I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
