my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
