BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
