my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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