There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
