can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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