this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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