her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
